Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Eyeglasses


My eyes were absolutely fine until I hit the age of forty. (How long ago that was is really irrelevant, don't you agree?)

Then, seemingly overnight, I began holding books just a bit farther away. Directions on pill bottles became confusing. (Is that one pill every six hours or six pills every one hour?) I would bite into a green hor d'oeurve from a passing waiter thinking it was spinach, only to find it was jalapeno.

It was time to surrender. To eyeglasses.

I took this step in the inevitable aging process quite badly, to tell you the truth. Glasses were for my Aunts to wear on chains with their polyester pantsuits. They were for the girls Dorothy Parker talked about when she said "Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."

Surely. Not me.

So one day while I was trotting around my local Meijer's (where I could and do spend hours sniffing soaps and shampoos) I stopped at the glasses display. They had a chart printed on the front which would help you to figure out which strength of glasses would be the best for your failing sight.

1.50's worked for awhile. A short while.

And let me just say right here and now? If this hasn't happened to you yet ... do not buy the fifteen dollar glasses right off. Within twelve hours, they will be gone. As will four other pairs a week after that. (I suspect that either my couch has teeth or my cat hides them to Gaslight me.)

No, no. Get thee to the dollar store, where they are only six bucks (not a dollar.) Load up. But not too much, because as I said, in not too long of a time? Those 1.50's ain't gonna be the ticket anymore.

Soon I found myself climbing the ladder on the eyeglass chart. I watered my husband and handed my plants the remote.

Friends had to read me the menus in restaurants, all the time my critiquing whether or not they could do it a bit slower and with more feeling so that at least we'd both be entertained. Which would make them yell "Stop losing your glasses! Good God where are they?"

I would simply shrug and tell them to ask my cat.

Yep. Between losing my glasses (sometimes even when they were perched on my head which became a habit) and needing stronger ones on the chart ... I do believe I've spent roughly twenty two thousand dollars so far.

I've deemed it time to really and truly wave the white flag at aging and resign myself to a prescription pair. The dollar store eye chart just won't go any higher.

And yes. With the way I misplace glasses and the cost of just one pair that will truly fit my needs?

I may be doomed to the eyeglass chain going around my neck and anchoring them there like a permanently ugly necklace.

My Aunt Luvella would be so proud! (Her name really was Luvella, but that's another story.)


Monday, January 28, 2013

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

Isn't trying to start something just the pits?

At your job it could be a new project that daunts you. If you're a Mom? It could be trying to get the courage together to clean the house or put up Christmas decorations. Or maybe you're a teenager just attempting to pull yourself out of bed to face another day of stale grilled cheese sandwiches and the kid in Math who hates you.

Starting stuff can suck.

Take me ... I've been toying with the idea of a blog for a couple of years now. Yes, I did say *years.*

There were so many reasons not to start one. Too much on the internet, who would care to read what I think, and the ever popular "if it doesn't pay why are you doing it" which always presented itself in my Mom's voice for some strange reason. (Not really as you shall see if you stick with me.)

Then. Well, then the Universe itself decided to start something. With me! Yep. If the idea of karma is true, then my sister is right and I must have been a Nazi in my former existence. I began to have so much crap thrown at me that I felt I was juggling basketballs in a high wind.

My Mom got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My cat fell down and had a stroke right in front of me. My brother closed himself up in our childhood home, and I had to call the cops. My marriage started to wilt. I had lost my job ... one that I loved. Okay maybe not *loved* as my boss was a complete ass. But when I was on the air and doing my own radio show? It was pretty freaking fun.

Things were getting murky. I couldn't change any of them. All I could do was change my reactions to them.

Huh.

How ... challenging. Where to start?

Well, here's what I've learned. As stupid Julie Andrews said in that stupid movie? You start at the very beginning.

I'll give you an analogy to carry around with you.

Recently, I drove across the country from Michigan to California. Twice. Around 4400 miles. Each day I'd wake up and plot and plan which city was in good driveable distance in association with the way I was feeling. If I woke up cranky? I knew I was only good for about 300 miles.

Happy and rested? Five or six hundred.

The answer was to break the trip down into steps and deal with one thing at a time.

Baby steps.

And that is the key to Startin' Somethin'.

Watch this. You'll see ...